Things change for the better...or worse?

You know, things always seem to be getting worse and worse for me. It's almost as though I can foresee that another big one will be coming up next. Soon. It's like tetris. You start with level 1, where the blocks drops down really slowly and you have so much time to arrange the blocks nicely. As you proceed to level 5, your hands have to work faster than your brain or else you'll screw it up. By level 10, you can almost barely see what shape the block is when it drops down cause it is too fast to catch up. By then, all your blocks would have been stacked up and have barely anymore space to place the blocks, and eventually you die. Game over. It gets harder and harder and in my case, initially I thought that, 'this had got to be the worst that could happen to me!' but little did I know, that things will get worse later on. Naive I was, I thought things would be better, as told by many. Instead, every other day I am feeling worse and worse because I keep finding out more and more about the brutal truth. Every time I find out something, I write in my secret journal "this has got to be the worst I have experienced" but later on it gets worse and worse until I am so afraid to do anything now. I wish I could either turn back time, undo the things I shouldn't do, or just stay stagnant. Yes, stagnant, at least I wouldn't have to go through the 'worse' that is coming my way.
I really hate it. It is VERY tormenting. When will it end? Can someone give me an answer? Is there a secret path out?

Down the drain

My effort has all gone down the drain. I should have known. I should have believed my own instinct. Because I kept living in denial, it got from bad to worse. I don't know who to blame, myself or him. It doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter who's at fault. Cause it is the least of my concern. My concern now is.... what's my concern? I don't even know what the heck do I want and where the heck do I go from here. I guess I am not given a choice. I have to take the road that I've been dreading to take.
I pray for strength and motivation. I pray for all the good things to start coming to me now, I really need it at this critical moment. Please.

A break

Today, my blog post will be something different. It will not be about food. It will be about how bad my luck is, most of the time. I could say all the time, but it wouldn't be fair cause at least I have hands legs eyes nose ears and mouth. At least I have a family who loves me and will always be there for me. For that, I am grateful and cannot ask for more.
There are many more people out that who are not as fortunate as you (or me). But if you look around longer... You'd realize, that there are also many more people who are way better off than you! Some say they deserve it cause they work for it, they pay for it, they earned it. Let me tell you that there are also these people who clearly just sat there and have tinker bell sprinkle fairy dust on them.
Why? Why is my life the way it is? I question myself (or God) almost everyday. A lot of (bad) things that happened to me were out of my control. I could not have taken a step to avoid it. It just happens to me. Why me? Why not you, him, or her? What have I done so wrong that God decided to do this to me? Some might tell me, everything happens for a reason. Learn from it. But what if there's NOTHING to learn?
Let me give you an example. I treat a person nicely, and put in all my effort in controlling my emotions (anger). In return, that person betrays my trust and 'misuse' my kindness towards him/her. So.. what is the lesson learnt here, people? That one should not be kind or should not be nice to another person? That one should always be selfish and think for oneself before anyone else?
I don't get it. I always get the bad stuff, it's like, it's destined. Me and bad luck, that is. Why do these things happen to me, God? Was making me stronger the aim of Your plan? Well let me say, no, it has not made me stronger. It only makes me feel less and less loved by You and more and more of thinking that I should not be put in this world in the first place. What's the point? Why would someone live to suffer streaks of bad luck, one after another since primary school?
I wish I could start listing down the bad lucks that I had experienced since a very young age. I could do so, but that might result in me being not able to update this blog forever because I would have committed suicide. If I were to list them down, you might be shocked, I might be even more pessimistic which is totally not why I'm writing this post in the first place.
Today, I started my day by having a heart attack. I nearly lost my handphone. I left my hp in the toilet, walked out, washed hands and left the ladies. Shortly after that I realized that my hp wasn't with me, I dashed back into the toilet and that particular cubicle was occupied. I prayed and prayed that no one would notice my hp and was waiting impatiently for the person to come out. Thankfully, Jocelyn rang my hp and I could hear my ringtone from outside the cubicle. Thank Jesus, that no one stole it. The lady came out and I quickly ran inside to take my hp back.
Today, is the day I really didn't enjoy at all. No one would have. Don't ask me to think positive, cause there's nothing positive about it at all.
Today, I was embarrassed, and will be for as long as I face this new colleague of mine. When I broke up, everyone asked me to get a job to take my mind off things. Keep myself busy. Which I have, and I actually thought it worked quite well, the moving on thing. But then, the 'thing' today just had to happen, and now I don't know how to face the colleague of mine for the rest of my time in this company. This makes me want to resign. Why do God (or whoever up there) lead me to a road, guide me into it and then puts a stop sign there shortly after? What's the point of walking down that road then? I am not going to disclose here what the actual incident was, as I already said it is something embarrassing. I'm not going to embarrass myself further. If you're my close friend, come ask me I would tell you.
Today, I drove to kl and endured the crazy kl traffic (and drivers!!). Can't you people drive properly? Anyway, I parked my car at Wisma Cosway. Before I started to drive to the exit, I took out the parking ticket from my purse and placed it on I dunno where but then later when I reached the payment booth, I couldn't find it. It dropped on the ground. Finally, I reached my hand out of the window to give the parking ticket to the parking attendant(?) only to know that no one is inside there. WTF. I thought to myself, "is this really not enough of bad luck already? what does life want from me?" Fortunately someone came to attend to me shortly.
Today, I met up with this someone. To cut the long story short, that someone lied to me again. And it was not a nice feeling at all, cause it was already too late after I had realize that he/she lied. I felt like trash, which totally didn't help after enduring the many bad lucks that happened during the day.

When, when will my good luck come? Shall I wait, or shall I not?
People always say FML even when there really is nothing to F about Their Life.
But now, I can say I totally qualify to say, FML.